


Heaven's Light

by small_blue_owl



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Crowley Has Self-Esteem Issues (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Love Letters, M/M, Pining, Sad, Unrequited Love, Unsent letters, but Crowley doesn't know that, only not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:40:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27803182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/small_blue_owl/pseuds/small_blue_owl
Summary: A letter from Crowley to his angel that he never sent.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 15





	Heaven's Light

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So I wrote this instead of sleeping last night (totally worth it by the way) so apologies in advance. I love the idea that Crowley writes letters that he has never sent to Aziraphale so here is my take on what one of those letters might say. Hope you enjoy :)

October 13, 1967

My dearest angel—

I know you’ll never read this, but I’m writing it anyway. I don’t know why.

I’m not even sure where to start. It’s all such a confusing mess. _I’m_ such a confusing mess. I have been thinking a lot lately. About us and what this even is. I thought it would help to try and understand. But it doesn’t. Thinking makes it worse somehow. I can’t think about you for too long because if I do, my mind spirals out of control and I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t remember when I fell in love with you, but I don’t remember a time when I haven’t been in love with you. I didn’t always know that’s what it was, I just knew I felt differently towards you than any other being I’d ever met. You didn’t treat me like an inferior. You treated me like a friend. You made me feel like I mattered, and I wasn’t just a cursed being that had been cast out of Heaven. I treasured the moments we spent together and found myself looking forward to seeing you. I didn’t know what this feeling was. I had never felt this way before, at least that I could remember. I felt drawn to you, I wanted to spend time with you, I wanted to talk with you. Slowly I realized why.

I was in love with you. And to this day, I still am.

The thought terrified me, so I pushed it out of my mind. I’m a demon and I’m not supposed to love anything, especially not an angel. So I buried my love for you and tried to pretend that it didn’t exist. But no matter what I tried I couldn’t forget it. Once I knew it was love, suddenly it all made sense. For a while I thought maybe you loved me too and that’s why you treated me differently. I thought I could tell you. I knew I could never get up the courage to actually say anything, so I tried to show you I loved you in little things like saving your books that one time in 1941. But after a while I realized how pointless it all was. You’ll never love me. I’m a worthless demon. I don’t deserve the love and affection of such a pure and beautiful angel. To put it poetically, I knew I’d never know that warm and loving glow, though I might wish with all my might. No face as hideous as my face was ever meant for Heaven’s light. But that still doesn’t stop my heart from loving you. I know it’s wrong and I know it’s impossible, but I can’t help it. I love you, angel. I try to be grateful that I get to see you at all and grateful that you don’t shun me completely and I try not to want more but it’s impossible. It’s torture to see you and know that I’ll never be allowed to love you and you’ll certainly never love me the way I love you. Angel, I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep burying my feelings that I should’ve never had in the first place and hiding the truth that I _do_ want more. I wish so much I could be loved by you. All I’ve ever wanted is you. I want to know what it’s like to hold you, to be held by you, to run my fingers through your hair, to kiss you. Angel, you have no idea how much I wish I could take you in my arms and hold you close and press a kiss to your angelic lips. I believe that if you held me and told me you loved me I wouldn’t feel as broken inside. I’ll never be allowed to. I know. But I still dream that someday, you might let me love you. And maybe you’ll love me in return.

Eternally yours,

Crowley 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos and comments are much appreciated :)  
> (Oh and the lines that Crowley references are from Heaven's Light (hence the title of the fic), one of the songs in the musical The Hunchback of Notre Dame (not the disney film but that's a story for another day), which is one of my favorite musicals of all time. I highly recommend checking out the rest of the soundtrack. The whole thing is so beautiful.)


End file.
